I have this side of me that I really don’t like to talk about. It comes out when I “perceive” that I may get rejected. The rejection doesn’t have to be extreme or even “real” for me to completely shut down verbally and want to run away. It’s extremely frustrating because otherwise I consider myself to be a good communicator. Also, it’s scary because communication is a big part of my livelihood. So why does it keep happening?
I’m adopted and as a kid my parents used to tell me that I was special because they chose me. I know they were well meaning and only wanted me to feel loved. But, there has always been a piece of me that doesn’t believe this. It’s that feeling piece that says, “Well guess what? If the people who created you were so willing to get rid of you, who’s to say that a friend or lover won’t do the same?”
It’s taken me a lot of personal work (yes therapy) to come to the realization that this simply isn’t true. Now I realize that just because I’ve told myself something in the past, that makes me feel a certain way, doesn’t mean that it’s true. Yes, there are still times when I’m feeling tired or moody that I revert back to that little girl who “feels” like she could be rejected at any time. It’s going to be a lifelong process of learning and growing, of failing and picking myself up, and of forgetting and having to remind myself of my worth. But one thing I know for sure...I’m surrounded by people who I love and who love me. And therefore, it’s guaranteed to be a beautiful journey.